I feel completely left out of everything. My friends seem to only hang out with me or talk to me because I beg them to. So called best friends never even bother with me anymore. I haven’t left the house, showered, or really moved since Sean left, and no one really gives a fuck. I hate always feeling like I care so much for other people, and will do things for them, and they won’t do shit for me. Are all my friendships onesided? Again?

I hate this.

I feel ignored. 

All I ever do on here is complain it seems. I guess I put it up here because I don’t want to burden everyone else with my inane complaints and tears. I don’t want to think all I ever do is complain though. I think I’m complaining about my complaints now.

I’m at an impasse. I know what I should do, but I can’t seem to keep going back to the old haunts, even if the old haunts don’t want me.

I could and should be perfectly fine with it right now, but it’s too hard to not.. I just want to be held until I get out of here. I need something to keep me sane for this little patch of time that I’m still left here.

I feel like I’m dying again. I feel so completely broken. I don’t know what to do with myself. Everything hurts. So much. Too much.

Retrace.

Oh, how I’ve tried to get you out of my head. 
And I lied, broken words I said. 
Never thought I’d walk on this street again. 
Standing where it all began. 

Tried to forget when I left this town, 
But it takes me right back when I come back around. 

Retrace the steps we took on that long summer night. 
I’m back there by your side. 
Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away. 
Counting backwards while the stars are falling. 

Oh, how I find every subtle thing screams your name. 
It reminds me of places of times we shared. 
Couldn’t live locked in these memories. 
Now I’m chained to my thoughts again. 

And I tried to forget when I left this town, 
But I’ll take you right back if you come back around. 

Retrace the steps we took on that long summer night. 
I’m back there by your side. 
Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away. 
Counting backwards while the stars are falling. 

I need some shelter, I need some safety. 
Photographs, they haunt me lately. 
Chasing shadows as the evening takes me. 
I’m still searching, but the picture’s fading. 

Retrace the steps we took on that long summer night. 
I’m back there by your side. 
Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away. 
Counting backwards, still counting backwards. 

And no where else has ever felt like home. 
And I can’t fall asleep when I’m lying here alone. 
I replay your voice, it’s like you’re here. 
You move the earth, but now the sky is falling. 

Retrace the steps we took on that long summer night. 
In my mind, I’m back by your side. 
Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away. 
Counting backwards while the stars are falling.

There’s just so much going on in my mind lately, and I just don’t know how to deal with it all. 

Tales of the heart.

Derek’s giving me weird signals. Like, the week I went on vacation, he kept telling me how much he missed me and how he couldn’t wait to see me again. We had been doing this thing where we still acted like a couple in private, cuddled and kissed and stuff. Not exactly friends with benefits. I don’t know. It was complicated. And then when I get back, I find out he’s in the hospital. Freak out, worry about him for days, weeks, until finally he gets back. I see him literally 15 minutes later, run into his arms, almost crying I’m so happy to see him. We cuddle on his couch in his house even though everyone’s home. I don’t care anymore. Apparently neither does he. We hang out the next three days straight, I comfort him, he tells me I make him happy, I tell him I still care about him, that I thought he wanted to be with me again too.

Wrong thing to say. He says he doesn’t want to. I start crying but toughen up because he just got back from the mental hospital. He doesn’t need to deal with my emotional bullshit. He says he can’t handle me. I say I understand, and I do. But I want him back. He wants everything about the relationship but the responsibility. If I cry he gets flustered, freaks out. It’s not his fault, he can’t even handle his own problems. I just wanna make him happy, and I’ve been trying to do just that. But the past few days I haven’t talked to him much. We… we had sex on Saturday. I hung out with him and no one was home. I don’t know what it meant to him, but I wanted to feel close to him again. We spent the rest of the day together but he hasn’t really talked to me since then. I thought everything was great. I care about him. I know I never stopped having feelings for him. And I’m scared because he only commented condescendingly to a note I made yesterday, hasn’t replied to my texts or FB messages, and I know he’s probably read them. I don’t know what to do. He’s so confusing. I want him to be happy but at what risk for my own happiness? But I can’t even stand to think about losing him, to not be able to be in his arms…